OK, I confess that I am paranoid. I am about to crawl under the desk and curl up in the fetal position. Please don’t tell the men with the nets where to find me. I just can’t read the news or turn on the radio or watch cable TV today. My head is spinning too fast.

Before I collapse into a puddle of protoplasm, I will try to share some of the myriad reasons for my condition. I won’t be coherent, I’m afraid. I am too far gone for that. But some of you discerning blog readers might glean enough to escape sharing my fate.

I don’t watch Glenn Beck, but I did watch a clip of Jon Stewart’s exposé of Glenn Beck’s link to the gold industry.

(Watch the clip here:

www.thedailyshow.com/watch/thu-december-10-2009/beck—not-so-mellow-gold)

That’s right. I’m talking about Jon Stewart, the comedian. Apparently, he’s the only one sharp enough to spot stuff like Beck being in bed with the gold hawkers and spreading panic to drive up the price of the precious metal. And Stewart was also the only one sharp enough to realize a recent Fox News “poll” added up to 120 percent. And the only one to catch the Fox gang substituting larger crowd scenes to make “tea party” protest videos look more impressive…

Why do I have to depend on a comedian to catch this stuff? What are the real “journalists” doing? Interviewing Sarah Palin (photo at left) about global warming, for one. The “journalists” are seriously weighing her pronouncements against those of former U.S. Vice President Al Gore, the Pulitzer Prize and Academy Award winner. You remember Sarah Palin? She used to be governor of Alaska, the state where you can see Russia from your house. Now, she is a best-selling author and inspirational figure.

Will somebody please tell me why? This may be the single most ignorant human being on the planet. She thinks climate change is a hoax, or does she? Hard to tell from one day to the next as her position wanders all over the compass – along with her syntax.

Yet she is so venerated that a hospital in Canada is paying her more than $200,000 to give a speech. She is booked for a fundraiser for the Juravinski Cancer Centre and St. Peter’s Hospital in Hamilton, Ontario in April. Organizers hope to sell 1,000 tickets at $200 a plate, and expect to raise more from photos with her. From what I understand, Palin plans to enlighten her audience about the advantages of replacing Canada’s “socialized medicine” with privatized health care.

And all this time, I’ve been telling Sandra how sane and sober Canadians are. Next, I’ll find out about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, maybe even the Great Pumpkin. There’s no end to life’s disillusionment.

There’s more, of course. I’ve been reading how some Jews are accusing President Obama of anti-Semitism because he didn’t invite enough Jewish leaders to the recent state dinner at the White House. You know, the one that repulsive couple crashed so easily. Meanwhile, critics are castigating the President for undermining Christmas by sending out “Happy Holidays” cards.

Last night, I watched a news clip of black politicians claiming the President isn’t doing enough for his African-American brothers and sisters. This on the heels of a TV commercial claiming he is leading the country down the path to Socialism and those videos of white Americans clamoring to get “their America” back.

If all this wasn’t enough, there’s the blizzard of disinformation emanating from the global warming “debate.” There was a time when debates were about opposing views based on the same facts. Now, the “facts”change to suit the needs of whatever argument they’re supposed to support.

Even the network channels are not above doctoring the evidence to make a case for a particular point of view. Recently, ABC showed a part of a Jon Stewart clip that made him look like a global warming denier. As Keith Olbermann pointed out on MSNBC, if they had played the entire clip, viewers would have seen he was actually supporting the arguments blaming man-made pollution for climate change.

Of course, not even global warming has inspired as much “spin” as the health care “debate.” If you’re still listening to “news breaks” about health care “reform,” you’re a better person than I am. I can’t even tell the “reformers” without a program any more.

And, by the way, have you been listening to Rachel Maddow’s reports on that proposed Ugandan law? The one that would sentence homosexuals to death by hanging? The one that was apparently cooked up in Washington DC by politicians belonging to a “Christian” group called The Family?

I suppose that with all this – and more – straining my cognitive powers, I can’t put all the blame for my condition on Sarah Palin. But she sure helps.