Naomi J. – Yaadinfo Contributor    [ Website ]

Me and my girls are goin’ out tonight (OWW!!),
Me and my girls are goin’ out tonight (yep),
Me and my girls are goin’ out tonight (haha)
Goin’ out – Faith Evans.

Date: Friday, 3rd October, 2008.
Location: Shauna’s flat, Mabley Street Homerton,
Hackney E1
Time: 10:13 PM

“Oh my days she’s gonna freak out. Jade you can’t just cover it,” I gasped.
“Sod that for a laugh. It ain’t about being in the doghouse tonight, no way bruv,” Jade whispered.
“I’ll come back tomorrow and confess I promise.”
Jade shifted the lavender cushion over the big red smudge on the pastel pink sofa bed.
“The ketchup will have dried in by then,” Johanna said in a hushed tone.
“Don’t worry,” Jade mouthed.
“She’s coming,” I hissed.
The sound of Shauna’s flip-flops slapping against the bottom of her feet drew closer to the bedroom.
“How was the KFC?” Shauna asked, handing each of us an antibacterial hand wipe.
Okay, so it’s no secret that I’m a bit on the anal side when it comes to hygiene but honestly, Shauna fly kicked me right off the O.C.D. Richter scale. I was surprised that she even let us eat our takeaway in her bedroom. I couldn’t help feeling though that when she finally discovered the “masshusive” stain caused by Jade’s zinger burger, Shauna was going to seriously regret that decision.

“Your phone’s beeping Marcia,” Johanna said, tossing the Nokia my way.
“SORRY BABES ABOUT MY SLOW RESPONSE. HOW R U? XXXX”
Hang on…Just one minute! I could have sworn I text Marlon like two bloody days ago and he’s just replying to me now?
“Oh well. If he can take his sweet time, so can I man,” I sighed, flinging my phone onto Shauna’s cushion clad double bed.
“How did you do that?” Johanna asked gawping at Jade as she adjusted her collar length jheri curl wig.
“Oh, I just used this hair texturiser I found at the salon. It’s the stuff we usually use on the older clientele’s hair. You know the ones who still think its nineteen eighty eight and not two thousand and eight,” Jade said raising her eyebrows.
Admiring her handy work in Shauna’s large wardrobe mirror, Jade dusted the shoulders of her black military style jacket. With great precision, she carefully slipped a white sequinned glove onto her left hand.
“Very creative,” Johanna laughed.
“Aaah. There you are. The finishing touch…Perfect,” Jade cooed in a self praising tone.
With a look of deep concentration on her beautiful heart shaped face, Johanna made sure she tied the big bow on her yellow head band to the side without it interfering with her wig.
“Marcia, let’s see your dress,” Shauna asked, pushing a stray dreadlock into her wig cap.
The tulip cut, leopard print number I was wearing was so frigging uncomfortable. Whilst I’d lost a fair bit of weight over the last year or so, one thing that never seemed to vanish was my boobies or bottom.
“Woop, woop, Miss hotty-hottyyyyy!!!” Shauna laughed.
“Thanks hon.” An uncomfortable smile emerged on my face.
I certainly don’t feel hot. The left leg of my fishnet stockings wouldn’t stop rolling down.
And as if that wasn’t irritating enough, my knockers were refusing to stay put in the balconette push up bra I was wearing.
“Check out Marcia’s back off doh. You could rest a dinner set on that thing,” Jade let out a raspy chuckle.
“Talk about teefing all da’ butt meat man,” she continued.
“Yeah, yeah keep talking Miss Flat Batty Crusader. Don’t hate minger.” I poked my tongue out in Jade’s direction.
“If you say so Mizzzzzz Bumper Queen,” she winked.

Ouuucccchhh, this is soooo annnnoyyyyiiinng. My poor head felt like it had been set on fire. We hadn’t even left for the club yet and the blasted afro wig I was wearing was already driving me barmy. I guess this was one of the drawbacks in being the ecstatic owner of an oblong yet somewhat round shaped cranium. It didn’t help that the wig cap itself was literally cutting off the blood circulation to the rest of my body. Talk about tight! Trying to remain as aristocratic (another word for posh apparently) as possible, I attempted to assault the itch located in the centre of my head.
“Who wants another drink?” Johanna enquired, holding up the half empty bottle of cava rosé.
“Not for me thanks.” Shauna said, tying a knot at the waist of her oversized hot pink t-shirt.
Sticking our wine glasses up the air, Johanna topped up our drinks. We’d already drunk nearly two bottles of wine between us…everyone but goody two shoes Shauna. Maybe it was the sensible school teacher in her, but Miss Shauna Bogle never really liked to drink. It was just as well really, considering she’d drawn the short straw as tonight’s designated driver.

“I’ll be back in a mo. Gonna see if those leggings are dry yet,” Shauna said before disappearing into her kitchen.
“So tell me girlies…Do I look fierce or do I look fierce?” I asked, carefully sliding my gold and black sequinned eye mask on.
“Fierce bebe,” Jade replied before emitting a quiet burp.
“Rooooaaarrr!” I growled, pretending to claw Johanna’s face.
“Ooohhh yeah tiger, tiger baby,” Johanna giggled.
Spritzing a generous amount of Angel (the quintessential raving perfume can I add) to my neck, chest and wrists, the finishing touch to my outfit had been applied.
“What you tryna do, choke me?” Johanna coughed whilst fanning her face.
“Give it here girly.”
Snatching the star shaped bottle out of my hand, Johanna sprayed a healthy dose of the overly lush fragrance on herself also.
“BIG TUNE!” Jade exclaimed, before swinging her arms and clicking her fingers in time to the beat.
Turning up Shauna’s stereo, we let the popular synthesized voice tones of T-Pain’s Buy you a Drank thump through Shauna’s cosily small bedroom.
“PLEASE DONT DRINK ANYMORE GUYS!” Shauna shouted from the kitchen.
“WE WONT!” we shouted back in unison.
“Who’s for another glass?” Jade whispered with a mischievous smile on her face.

[Continues Next Week…]