I’ve wanted to have a smaller body from the time I could say the word diet. While I weigh I good deal less than the most I’ve ever weighed, I’m still not the ideal body weight I imagine for myself.

I was recently chatting with my cousin about this, and wondering why I was still struggling with weight after all these years given that every other aspect of my life had evolved into something pretty spectacular. Why was I able to create a thriving career, a beautiful home, and a loving group of friends and family, but not the body I wanted?

My cousin then asked me the best question I’ve been asked in a decade: “What’s the payoff for not being the size you want to be?”

“Payoff?” I questioned. How could there be any payoff for…………and then it clicked.

I simply cannot imagine myself as one of those magnificent women who have it all, and when I do, I feel a giant rush of guilt. With all the pain and sorrow in the world, why should I get to have an even greater life than I already do?

I’ve been sitting with his recognition for the past few days, not quite sure how to move forward, but truly surprised at the guilt and shame I feel simply imagining the life I want.

What are the things missing in your life, and what is your payoff for not having the job, the partner, or the money that you want? Without these desires of your heart, to which groups do you get to belong? Who do you get to resent? What false belief about this world do you get to hold in your heart?

– Coach Andrea