Winning the Women’s Vote

The Republican Party has a problem – women. For reasons party leaders cannot understand, women just aren’t voting for the GOP the way they used to. I guess they don’t know what’s good for them.

You think?

Of course you don’t. You’re not crazy.

But Republican politicians are. They’re convinced their policies would be popular with women if the little ladies only understood them. They think the party’s problem is – wait for it – messaging!

So they’re developing a new package for their policies in hopes of reaching out to women voters. A “female friendly” package.

And Iowa Senate candidate Mark Jacobs has it all worked out. You see, he explained, when we talk to women, we men have to abandon our usual straight talk and appeal to their emotions.

Jacobs told viewers on WHO-TV in Des Moines on Sunday that he knows what he’s talking about because he has “a wife of 25 years and an 18-year-old daughter.”

Henry Higgins lives!

Why can’t a woman be more like a man, indeed? Why can’t they overlook silly frills like birthdays and anniversaries? And anti-choice legislation and forced ultrasound examinations?

Why do they care about such trivial matters as health care? And why do they cry their little heads off because they can’t find a job and their unemployment insurance just ran out? Why do they lie awake at night worrying about losing the food stamps they depend on to feed their kids? Why can’t they man up and face the hard facts of life?

We men don’t fuss over such minor setbacks. So the government is planning to cut off our housing allowance, our unemployment insurance checks stopped coming and we’ve worn out several pairs of shoes looking for work with no luck, so what? We’re men. We take it on the chin and we don’t complain. We know it’s for the good of our country. After all, those folks in Washington have to pay down that national debt. Right?

And they’ve got to build more battleships, more bombers, more fighter jets, more tanks. How else can they secure America’s dominance in the world? How else can they keep Americans free?

It’s for our own good, too. We men understand that adversity builds character, that we will emerge from these trying times better and stronger men.

As long as we’ve still got our guns. Guess we’ll head out into the woods with our AK-47 and bag us a deer or a moose. That will fill our kids’ little bellies for the winter! Only immigrants and minorities need food stamps and the other sissy stuff nanny governments dole out.

We’re men, dammit! We’re makers not takers. So hush little ladies, we’ve got your back. We’ll make it up to you when our ship comes in.

I wonder how the women in this man’s life would respond to this vision of America. I know how the women in my life would.

And, yes, it could get quite emotional.

Click for Mark Jacobs’ views.